Soon and very soon.........

 Friday, November 22nd, 2014- 5:30 am.

I love contemporary Christian music......it feeds my soul.  That is not to the exclusion of other types of music - acapella , classical, rock, jazz, blues.....I think I could include just about all types of music - except Rap and I don't hear well enough to know what they are saying!

I remember a lot of events in my life based on the music at the time.  I'm sure this year will be no exception.

I knew I was going to have to write about this before it happened and, even more strongly, since....   I've been trying to get to the point that I could stop the tears flowing long enough to see the keyboard and shore up my courage enough to actually put the words down on paper....that somehow makes it all the more real.

Yesterday, my son-in-law came by my house to pick up the last of his and my daughter's belongings.  It's time for us all to move on, but it was harder to go through that one step than I had expected.  Each time I think I finally have some closure, something else has to happen and the scab comes off the wound again.   I lost my precious daughter Jeannie in June to an unrelenting, misunderstood and poorly treated disease called severe gastroparesis.  If you read my posts on Facebook, then you know I'm a pretty "out-there" kind of person.  I share everything about my life.  There are a lot of people who don't like that.  They are "private", thinking everyone should keep their business to themselves.  If you are one of those, then I will tell you like I tell people who complain about TV shows - change the channel and move on!  I have never forced anybody to read my posts, my comments nor my ideas......you are your own person.  But, if you chose to read, please be respectful of my right to express my opinion any way I want.  See, I only have to answer to one person in this life, and that is God.  I know that I will stand before him one day and give an account of "every word that proceeds out of my mouth".  I shudder to think.....He and I have already discussed a lot of those and more times than not I have found myself asking forgiveness.

When my daughter died in June, it changed me.  I had hoped it would not......I had hoped I was prepared and ready and knew this was going to be the right thing because she was suffering.....terribly....and I DID NOT want that to continue.  But, I found, that just as everyone had told me, you can never be ready.  I'll never get the image of her after the spirit had gone to be with God...cold and pale, yet beautiful all at the same time.  My soul cried to God - Please.....just wake her up for one minute....I've got one more thing to tell her....just one...........    But, that's not the way it works.  Last breath means just that - last breath.  She rests peacefully now.  Nausea, vomiting, pain, surgery, IV's, hospitals, doctors, medications.....all gone away now.She knows nothing of any of those things now.  For that I am forever grateful.

I love God, His church, His Word, His Son, His tender, loving care for me, His undeserved blessings.  Nothing about that has changed.......I think what has changed most is my perspective on things.  It's as if a veil has been removed from over my face and I see people, the world, day to day life - in a much more real light.  It's not as if this has been my first time around the dance floor.  From childhood until now, I've suffered heartache and set backs and troubles and such.....each has made me grow, made me learn, humbled me....   I don't know why this one seems so much different than the others.  Perhaps because it is fresher, closer, still within reach of my fingertips.....

I've cried a million tears, punished people with words and actions that never deserved it - all things Jeannie never wanted.  I've promised myself and everyone else I will do better....and I'm trying.....

I'm tired......tired physically, mentally, spiritually.........I can't turn off my brain nor my heart.......

BUT, I recognize this for what it is......Satan at his finest.  Hitting me in the spot that was the most tender and vulnerable - my love for my child.........my armor slipped....I let my guard down and Satan, who is always waiting in the shadows to strike, hit me right where it hurts the most.

Through this fog that still clouds my way daily, I have not dropped out of this race by any means.  God will make a way where there seems to be no way.......after all, I prayed for this.  I prayed for God to take her our of her suffering and into His arms.  He answered my prayer and I let Him down..  

I started this blog by saying how much music influences me at different points and times in my life.  Kim Walker Smith has a beautiful song out right now that has been my "go to" during some of these darkest hours.  I can't listen to it without crying, but that's ok.  It reaffirms what needs reaffirming right now.....that I DO STILL BELIEVE.......These are the words....

Your blood makes the deaf to hear right now
Your blood takes away the curse right now
Your blood heals every disease right now
Your blood sets the addict free right now

And I still believe You're the same yesterday, today and forever
And I still believe Your blood is sufficient for me

Your blood mends the broken heart right now
Your blood compels me to forgive right now
Your blood transforms my mind right now
Your blood brings the dead to life right now

And I still believe You're the same yesterday, today and forever
And I still believe Your blood is sufficient for me
[x2]

You're the higher power
Darkness cannot stand
No longer bound to sin, I am free
[x4]

And I still believe You're the same yesterday, today and forever
And I still believe Your blood is sufficient for me

Oh, all that I need
You are all that I need, Jesus
Your blood is enough for me
Oh, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, yeah

And I still believe You're the same yesterday, today and forever
And I still believe Your blood is sufficient for me
[x2]

All I need
Come cover us right now
Come cover us Jesus
The blood, it opens deaf ears
The blood, breaks down disease
In Your presence, God, it has no place,
Pain has no place, disease has no place, sickness has no place
Weariness has no place, depression has no place
In Your presence, God, In Your presence, Jesus
We find all we need, we find all we need, we find all we need
In Your presence, Jesus
Oh, Jesus, all we need, is in You, Jesus
We believe, we believe, we believe
Tell Him tonight, tell Him tonight
Say I believe, I believe
Sing out in your words tonight
Let faith rise, let faith rise
Tell Him tonight
I believe, I believe You are who You say You are
You are the one who sees me, You're the one who's for me
You're the one who knows me, every hair on my head
You created me, how You love me
You're the one who has abundant help, abundant light for me
You're the one who has joy for me, Jesus
I believe, I believe, I believe
You are all I need
I believe, I believe, I believe
Oh, with all my heart, with all I am, even when I cannot see
I will stand with faith and I will believe
Oh, I believe, I believe, yeah

I believe, I believe
I will never stop believing
I believe, You are more than enough for me, God
I will not fear, I will not fear
Cause I believe
I believe