As I look back now, I think for the first year, I was in shock. So much happened in that span of time, my body just could not process all of it and there was a large part of me that just stopped functioning. It's understandable......hard, but VERY understandable. There are things about that year that if asked about now, I could not tell you for the life of me. My body's fight or flight defense kicked into gear and I fled - or my mind did. Gene and I woke up each day, put feet to the floor and carried on. But, inside my mind, I curled up in a little ball and pulled my shell around me and disappeared. My emotions, my feelings, my temper all were raw and right on the surface. I went into a mental tailspin. I lost my identity. I no longer knew who I was or even who I was supposed to be.
Into the second year, I began to discover the new me I had become. Because, like it or not, when you lose a child to death, it changes you.....forever. You see the world through different eyes. You even talk differently. Everything now is categorized into "before" and "after". You don't dare think on any one issue for very long, because this black hole would suck you back in and not let you go. You fight for every breath, every step, every bit of energy you can muster. Starting with a small hole in my cocoon of protection, I slowly began to see the light of day again. But, where before the criticizing words had just bounced off my tight cocoon, now they began to penetrate. "You are not relying on your faith" they whispered in my ear. "You are losing the battle for your sanity because you are allowing Satan in to kill and to steal" they said.
So I tried to stay in God's word. I could not, I WOULD not lose my soul over this. Jeannie wouldn't have wanted that. THAT would have made her more unhappy than anything else I could have done.. but, the Word of God just became words on a page. They didn't give me what I needed NOT because GOD HAD MOVED.... but because I HAD..... I wasn't mad at Him, I didn't question Him, I just couldn't FEEL HIM... Thank God the Bible says in Romans 8:26-27 that when we can't pray, the Spirit intercedes for us through "wordless groans"......that described it perfectly...."wordless groans". Everybody kept saying to me "don't you get it? She's in a better place" or "you wouldn't want her back as sick as she was" or "you have the wonderful promise that you will see her again one day", and my favorite "we do not grieve as those who have no hope because of the promise that we will be together again one sweet day".... I even said those same things out loud, hoping, praying, beseeching my heart to listen. My logical mind knew it, but my physical and human heart was wounded and bleeding.
We have a tradition in this country that we practice during which two people who have decided they want to live with each other through the rest of their natural human life exchange vows of commitment to each other. In our society we call it marriage. I'm sure you are familiar with those vows - to have and to hold, in sickness and in health, for richer for poorer, as long as we both shall live..... It should be that way with our children too. I, your parent, take you, my child to be my heart, my soul and my responsibility. To have and to hold from this day forward, in sickness and in health, for richer for poorer, as long as we both shall live. Most parents DO make these vows to their children.....usually unspoken, but definitely practiced..... Sure, they leave home to make their own way in the world, and that's as it should be, but the vow is never broken.
To have and to hold.......but, see, I didn't have that part anymore....I couldn't have and I couldn't hold because of disease from a flawed and sinful world that had intervened.
It's just been this third year that I have begun to feel the stirrings of life in my heart again. I'm finally getting to the point that I can talk about the REAL Jeannie. She wasn't a saint. She made mistakes like all of us. She sinned like all of us. She hurt people's feelings, like all of us. She had enemies, like all of us. She had regrets - a lot of them - like all of us. She had a temper, she mouthed off and then wished she had not, like all of us...especially in the last few months and days..... I won't make excuses for her. I will say that I don't know what it feels like to know you only have a short time left or what I would say or do when those you hold dear in your heart turn away from you because of things you say to them....not realizing that soon time would run out and the chance to forgive would be forever gone. Sad that things had to end that way.......just very sad....... I've said since that had she been a 90 year old laying on her death bed, anything she said would have been attributed to her age and the fact that she was dying and given no merit. But, when a 36 year old acts the same way lying on her death bed, there is thought to be no excuse and her mindset at the time is considered to be rational, despite the fact that she was having up to twenty seizures a day and mini-strokes many of those times, which played a big part in her actions and words.
Three years now and finally I am able to enjoy talking about the fun times with the REAL Jeannie... the love she had for others through illness and pain, the strength through adversity, the incredible faith, the lasting impression she left on other's hearts - once you meet her, you would never forget her! Her infectious laughter, her quirky words, her hair color of the day, her unique sense of style, her many talents, her tender heart for any and everyone who had been through hard times or had caught a bad break or needed a helping hand, her strong passion for the things in which she believed and her uncanny ability to turn a bad situation around and make it a bearable one....and yes, her intense love of all things family.....
Three years is a long time to not be able to have and to hold...........and I don't have a clue how long it will be before I get to see that smiling face again.....too long for me. Because even one more day, one more hour, one more minute, one more second is too long for me........ at least I am finally able - on most days - to give it to God and and hear His whispers of comfort that come in the form of others who care and give me encouragement.....I'm finally able to catch a glimpse of the beauty around me again instead of just the darkness......
I don't know what year four will bring. I'm sure this hole in my heart will still hurt...but I will continue to put my feet on the floor every morning and carry on as best I can. I will continue to be an advocate for change in the field of knowledge of this terrible disease that took my daughter from me as long as I have breath.....and, as much as I'm allowed, I will love friends and family with a deeper intensity.....because I've learned life is too short and too precious to do it any other way.
Christie Seegars and Jeannie Pierce Seegars -
Taken two days before Jeannie died. She could not
sit up alone - Christie was holding her up........You can
tell by the way her face was pulled to one side that she'd
had multiple strokes by this time......but she still managed to
smile......
